I am writing in the middle of my everyday commute — currently stuck in a long queue for a bus carousel going to the nearest train station. By all means, expect a surge of incoherent thoughts coming.
Recently, I dreamed of myself going out of bed after I don’t know how many hours of sleep. I’m sure it was more than 8 hrs. The thing is… My sleep hasn’t been good for the past month or more. In my dream, the first thing I noticed is I looked like shit — with my chubby body, messy hair, long nails, long armpit hairs, and a face that illustrates I didn’t have a good night’s rest.
It sunk to me that maybe… I’ve dug deeper in my depression hole.
The past few months have been nothing but a struggle. I made choices based on what I should be doing at the moment. I didn’t even know if I am even allowed to feel regret for my choices. I did all of those because these were supposed to be done. I saw everything in my life fall into pieces. I thought these all were temporary adjustments because I just have to compromise for the meantime but they brought me to a path of nowhere to go.
It hurts to see myself slowly losing to the thread where I’m holding myself during my 2019 toxic era. The worse is I can feel these manifestations not just mentally but physically. I can’t see myself picking up the things I’ve set aside: my keyboard hobby, pending research papers, playing RDR2, books left unread, even my self-care routine.
My work is the biggest trigger of my episodes
I had a coaching and mentoring session with my OIC-Chief at work yesterday. Here are the salient things she told about my performance:
- I should step up in fulfilling my deliverables on time
- Learn more about my work
These are harmless and constructive comments I received. And it’s true that I find it hard to get to the tune of how to fulfill my deliverables at the moment. The quality of my deliverables is quite good and I rated myself 5 out of 5 in my Individual Performance Commitment Review (based on the matrix). However, I lacked the urgency to do such things. Not because my work is uninteresting, it’s just I don’t feel like doing anything and everything. My OIC-Chief and supervisor would like to assess me further because they don’t feel I am ready to be involved in other works. I was informed that I have been transferred to another team which entailed more plans and numbers! I don’t think I won’t be ready for that soon but I don’t also want to feel stuck whatsoever in my career.
I didn’t have better relationships with people.
Things at home are chaotic. It doesn’t help me in one way or another. I don’t usually tell people about my family because in most parts they are okay as individuals but as a unit? Hell, no. This, plus my commute woes (I’m currently on the train), fueled my plan to be alone in the meantime. My gripes are my finances and the effort of living alone. As you can see, I’m always tired (of everything) and my finances have been unstable since the financial crisis last February. But if it would cost a little bit of peace of mind, I am actively considering it.
My relationships with people have been meh. My best friend has always been with me but I felt guilty because our chats these days are about my problems and I couldn’t even get to ask her how she is. Other friends are just fine. We send chikas every now and then. No dramas whatsoever. Their communication gestures were all appreciated to distract me from the dullness of my life. My officemates, on the other hand, were the source of my social life in the past few months. However, with the work stress, I pulled away a bit and did not get too involved with their plans.
My relationship with my significant other has to be put in the backseat. Not that we broke up, but she has to prioritize things with her dad who was suffering from Lung Cancer. By the time I wrote this, her dad already passed away. I still can’t expect anything for a lot of reasons which I understand. Although, I think I also contributed to her stress. We had a fight during his father’s wake and it was mostly my fault. If it wasn’t for her best friend, I wouldn’t even consider seeing them soon.
I had a talk with her best friend and a friend (who used to be my partner’s ex). Both of them told me to be present. For some reason, that stings not because I don’t want to be with my SO but I don’t know how. My condition does not help me in consoling myself that whatever I’m doing is enough. It’s always never enough, and I am hesitating because I am afraid of such thing like what happened during the last time. Right now, I am trying to make up and make my presence felt regardless they wanted me or not.
It’s not I’m not doing something ABOUT ME.
With all the things around me happening and my derailing mental health, I tried to recuperate but nothing has been consistent. It always falls back on self-loathing.
Here are the things I did for my sanity’s sake:
- Went back to exercising 4–5x a week. I also have my weekly badminton day with officemates.
- Started a session with my dermatologist
- Bought new clothes every now to make look myself better
- Read self-help books
Building habits isn’t easy so once my Palawan trip preparations started, I halted my habits.
To be honest, I have a hunch that all of these woes or rants are self-inflicted and the wrong of all of these is me — not the circumstances leading to the compromises I had. I can’t excuse that life is shitty that I’ve become shitty. Life means nothing and it doesn’t care for anyone or anything. I loathe because I care a lot of myself. I cared so much that I forgot anything else like how I treat other people, my achievements, even the things I still have. I am so fixated in my mistakes because that’s how I defined myself.
Two weeks ago, I went to a psychologist. It was a nice session and her initial approach didn’t make me invalidated or unwanted. My shrink diagnosed me with Major Depression Disorder with Anxious Distress. I didn’t know how I should feel about it — that finally there’s a term for that. For all I know, I have a seasonal depression — a diagnosis that my psychiatrist associated me with. I felt a cycle of highs and lows. Before, I didn’t know how to describe my sudden break downs if it is a panic or anxiety attack and I couldn’t attached anxiety as one of my symptoms. I know it is different from depression as my episodes are not too intense with someone with General Anxiety Disorder.
Recently at work, I had a short conversation with a colleague. We both shared a history of burnout in studying. I shared that my AWOL history made me realized how much I wanted to study that I worked myself out. Upon sharing that, it dawned to me that maybe…
Maybe, I just need a break from everything.
A break from all the insane things I am doing for myself. However, it’s not that easy. I already tried taking a trip, my Palawan Trip, but it brought me more stress (a different kind of stress) than a sanity break. I still enjoyed it but I wish it could be better. I can’t file a LOA or AWOL my work and I couldn’t make anymore compromises. As an adult as I have to contribute for our family.
What now?
If you’re going to ask me what help do I need or my plans of getting out of this hole, I honestly don’t know. I feel stuck. My desire to do things has been on the lower side. My personality can be described in two words: tired and stressed. When I told someone about my condition of easily get angry or stressed, they couldn’t easily imagine how I could be like that, especially I stop taking my anti-depressants. I am also on the toxic side which I don’t recommend involving myself too much with people.
I am not overly pessimistic because I know a part of me wanted to be better, wanted to get out and be back to a version I am sure of myself. I don’t know if therapy would help but I am exhausting all the means to shift this mindset.
I just hope that whoever read this, you are doing better than me.
