I was supposed to start crafting my final research proposal instead, I am typing a random entry about my last year. This calendar year shift has felt like I should start something like it resets what you were and suddenly you are a year older, a year wiser in not making questionable dumb decisions in life. Every new year symbolized new hope for a better you and for a better tomorrow.
My 2023 is a challenging year. This is the year where I jumped back to graduate school and try finishing my postgraduate diploma. I started my year with the risk of losing my job because of my unsatisfactory performance ratings. Everything was so shaky and uncertain — living in the constant fear of failing. This turmoil of stress and sadness triggered my depression which affected how I perceived myself resulting to eventual low self-esteem issues.
But one day I snapped and made my environment different. That sudden unplanned transition to unemployment has been the biggest decision I made. It gave me time for many things but also my nature of my depression has been shifted from work-related to financial-related. Regardless, I persevered and went through all the roller coaster emotions of self-pity, anxious distress, freedom, and self-worth in a span of 3 months.
I couldn’t imagine how I came out with this slump but here are the things that I did that change who I am today.
Exercise and Diet
Before unemployment, I was encouraged to enroll myself to the gym. As someone with commitment issues or fire sign, I was skeptical about it but since I will be going with my significant other led me to give this another try. Exercising has been my kind of therapy. This is where I am comfortable feeling not okay but I’d rather be sad but working out or suffering from low- self-esteem issues but working out.
Alongside exercise, I also improved my food intake. I tried new foods which are rich in protein, minimize sweets as much as possible, and calorie deficit. Remember, 80% of the weight loss comes from our diet. Exercise contributes only 20% on weight loss.
Overall, I almost 15kgs and not gonna lie that it really made me more confident with how I look.
However, due to the holiday and busy slump, there’s always the lingering fear of gaining weight. I also developed body image issues brought to me by my mom who constantly commented about my body and pressure received because of the compliments I’ve received with this better body.
Read books
Not a bookworm but I’ve finished 4 books during my unemployment — total of 7 books for 2023. The books I read ranges from fiction, philosophy, and non-fiction. The book that alters my brain chemistry is Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It was exactly also the time I was suffering pain by betrayal and numerous feedback loopholes because of the questionable decisions I made for myself.
Take a greater care about my physical appearance
I learned basic make up. I expanded my skin care routine a little bit. I bought new clothes and try other clothing designs. While it enhances my appeal, the reason why I tried exploring them was kind of stark but funny — I’d rather suffer from financial incapability with a beautiful face than to suffer with an ugly face. It is my mantra even during my exams to prioritize my self-image because it decreased my shame when I ended up failing my exams.
Other external factors
The biggest contributor of stress in this year is my unemployment. Finding a new job has been hard for me. I received a lot of rejections. Whenever I received job offers, I am not satisfied with the terms (e.g. salary, location, work arrangement), which questioned my self-worth because of my inability to clinch a job that equates my abilities. I refrain myself from regretting in making this decision as much as I can. This is until I got a job with better workmates, better opportunity, and better pay.
Aside from that, I was able to finish my postgraduate degree. I am taking my MPA degree. It adds confidence in my credentials. Having more time, means I also able to focus with the quality of my outputs. I also extended myself through socializing with some graduate schoolmates. This has been one of the best achievements I attained for myself this year.
To be honest, I wouldn’t imagine achieving this glow up because I was feeling hopeless, sad, and looming in constant fear of not being enough.
Sometimes, you just need to trust the process. Go through it, feel it, enjoy it, and unexpectedly, you earned what you wish for.
The contrast of my 2023 with my 2022 filled with travels and new opportunities but what each year brings, I thought 2023 has been somewhat better because I was able to focus with myself and the things I wanted to do. It was a reset to collect yourself and bounce back. Life doesn’t end with losing a job and money or gaining weight or having gap semester in graduate school. Life has been more than that. I wasn’t able to survive this without the support from my loved ones. Their encouragement fueled my desire to take this privilege path and I am always grateful for the things I discovered during the journey. I’ll bring their love and support this 2024.
My wish this new year is to finally spend a time with my self. Looking back, I haven’t had the opportunity to do this because of my personal circumstance. After all the chaos, I really deserve nothing but a nice alone time and rejuvenate.
To more adventures in this absurd reality called life.
