The past two years has never not that good to me. I’ve experienced sadness that lasts not just weeks, but months; cried a ton of tears almost every night for the things that I should’ve been right now, and heartaches — yes, heartaches to all relationships lost along the way of experience these “misfortunes” in life. But comparing myself in 2017 versus 2019 me, I can say I paved a long way of this journey I didn’t even know what I really want. I sit right now, opened my laptop and here, I’m writing this:
When things fall apart, I was there watching how things will run if I let it be. As the wind passed by, I wonder how if a part of me wants to rather want to come back and be a brave warrior. Funnily, it’s always been a YES but keeps distant, slowly fading until it breaks.
When things fall apart, I tried holding my breath for air. I’ve been drowning and drowning and hoping someone will take my hand and lift me out of water. It’s been intoxicating but also comfortable of the idea of nothing to lose a part of me for someone, for something else. I am double-edged sword that pierced both of us.
Two-years had passed and yet I still not learned in navigating the depths of my inner self. As I continuously strikes each of old self, I wasn’t reborn of as a new individual. A cyclic mishap — A never ending loop.
Ironically, I am still here. I am still annihilating the indestructible aspect of my being — through exposing my vulnerabilities, and hopefully, learning the ropes of finding a light at the end of the tunnel.
